Yes. Things have been crazy these past few months, where to start??
In June I met someone, and I "fell in love" if those are the words you choose to use. He was charming and knew all the right words to say, which is why I fell for him. I didn't realize what was happening, but I was quickly being sucked into and drawn to the wickedness of the world. Quickly I forgot everything that was important to me like my family, my friends, but most importantly GOD and my FAITH. I began to lose motivation and the only thing I wanted to do was go to work so I could be with him. I was being drawn to the world and everything it had to offer. The more I would spend time with those who didn't believe in the same things as me, the more I would want to be my own person instead of the one who has lovingly created me in his image to serve him. The more I spent time doing the things I did, the more I felt... alone. I felt abandoned by my family, friends, and even God. I hated going to church because I didn't want people to look at me as if I was scum, or I wasn't worthy of being in God's presence. I even would go to the point of thinking that God hated me just because my family wasn't happy with me. Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong, I still wanted to do it anyways, because my flesh was lying to me, telling me that I "needed' it and I would be "happier" when in all actuality I was miserable!
God pulled me out of that mess... I wasn't in a good place with him and he wanted ALL my focus to be on him. Why? Because he is a jealous God! To say I was in love is a lie. I was in love with the thought, I LOVED the thought of love. But why would I settle for anything less than what I have dreamed of in a man since I can remember. #1 on my list: MUST love God more than he could ever love me. The man that I was with tried to be that, but he loved the world more. It was unfair of me to ask him to change his ways for me. So what did I do? I settled. I told myself that he could change if I was with him, when in all actuality I was the one changing for him. I did have standards that he respected and wouldn't push me to do, but even though I had those standards (not drinking, no sex, est.) I STILL was forgetting about THE most important thing in my life.
I do not blame anybody for what happened but myself. He didn't make me the person I turned into, I did. I was the one who chose to turn my back on God. I was the one who chose to feel lonely. I was the one who chose a man over faith. I was the one who hated myself.
After everything ended with him it took me a while to forget about the past. I knew that I had messed up BIG time and I knew that I had to repent. Even after I repented I still felt like I wasn't worthy of being in God's presence. Every time I tried to reach for God those past sins and regrets would block me and take over my mind. "How could God still love me even after that?" I would ask myself over and over. Till this past Sunday when a prophetic word was given and I knew that it was for me. I surrendered and asked God to forgive me what I had done to Him and in that moment of prayer and tears I felt this HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders and heard him say to me "My child you are forgiven and free to praise me, I rejoice in you because you rejoice in me!" It was in that moment that I forgot everything and felt so... free!!
I thank God for everything he has taught me in these past few months, I thank him for putting me through that because if he hadn't I would not be as strong in my faith as I am today... Only by His grace, love and mercy!
Till next time, Lauren
