So where have I been?

Yes.  Things have been crazy these past few months, where to start??

In June I met someone, and I "fell in love" if those are the words you choose to use.  He was charming and knew all the right words to say, which is why I fell for him.  I didn't realize what was happening, but I was quickly being sucked into and drawn to the wickedness of the world.  Quickly I forgot everything that was important to me like my family, my friends, but most importantly GOD and my FAITH.   I began to lose motivation and the only thing I wanted to do was go to work so I could be with him.  I was being drawn to the world and everything it had to offer.  The more I would spend time with those who didn't believe in the same things as me, the more I would want to be my own person instead of the one who has lovingly created me in his image to serve him.  The more I spent time doing the things I did, the more I felt... alone.  I felt abandoned by my family, friends, and even God.  I hated going to church because I didn't want people to look at me as if I was scum, or I wasn't worthy of being in God's presence.  I even would go to the point of thinking that God hated me just because my family wasn't happy with me.  Even though I knew what I was doing was wrong, I still wanted to do it anyways, because my flesh was lying to me, telling me that I "needed' it and I would be "happier" when in all actuality I was miserable!

God pulled me out of that mess...  I wasn't in a good place with him and he wanted ALL my focus to be on him.  Why?  Because he is a jealous God!  To say I was in love is a lie.  I was in love with the thought, I LOVED the thought of love.  But why would I settle for anything less than what I have dreamed of in a man since I can remember.  #1 on my list: MUST love God more than he could ever love me.  The man that I was with tried to be that, but he loved the world more.  It was unfair of me to ask him to change his ways for me.  So what did I do?  I settled.  I told myself that he could change if I was with him, when in all actuality I was the one changing for him.  I did have standards that he respected and wouldn't push me to do, but even though I had those standards (not drinking, no sex, est.) I STILL was forgetting about THE most important thing in my life.

I do not blame anybody for what happened but myself.  He didn't make me the person I turned into, I did.  I was the one who chose to turn my back on God.  I was the one who chose to feel lonely.  I was the one who chose a man over faith.  I was the one who hated myself.

After everything ended with him it took me a while to forget about the past.  I knew that I had messed up BIG time and I knew that I had to repent.  Even after I repented I still felt like I wasn't worthy of being in God's presence.  Every time I tried to reach for God those past sins and regrets would block me and take over my mind.  "How could God still love me even after that?"  I would ask myself over and over.  Till this past Sunday when a prophetic word was given and I knew that it was for me.  I surrendered and asked God to forgive me what I had done to Him and in that moment of prayer and tears I felt this HUGE burden lifted off my shoulders and heard him say to me "My child you are forgiven and free to praise me, I rejoice in you because you rejoice in me!"  It was in that moment that I forgot everything and felt so... free!!

I thank God for everything he has taught me in these past few months, I thank him for putting me through that because if he hadn't I would not be as strong in my faith as I am today...  Only by His grace, love and mercy!

Till next time, Lauren

Worship in all things.

I keep thinking about worship and what it looks like.  Lately I have been feeling like I am not praising God enough for everything he has given to me, and when I do its not sincere.  What does worship look like and how can we practice this in our everyday lives?

I don't know about you, but I know for me I tend to forget about how blessed I truly am.  I look at all the bad things happening in my life and how I am not doing a good enough job.  When really I should be looking at all the great things God does in my life.  He has clothed me, given me shelter and food, I have great friends and a wonderful job, what more could I possibly ask for?  I think in the darkest times of our lives is the time when we need to be praising him even more!  How much are we really suffering?  Not enough.  I have a friend who asked me why I am always smiling when I am at work.  I responded with "God has given me everything I could ever ask for and more, how could I not smile at that?"  I truly believe this.  God HAS given us everything we could ever ask for and MORE!

I just want to leave with this verse that I read today.  Ephesians 3:14-21 "For this reason I bow my knees before the father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith- that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to him be the glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever.  Amen."

Be encouraged friends!  Till next time, Lauren

What is this feeling?

Sorry it has been so long since I have posted!  Here it goes...

Lately I have been feeling empty, not the hungry type of empty, but the empty in my being or soul.  I feel almost like there is a piece of me missing, and I am searching and searching, but can't seem to find what it is.  This usually happens around "that time of the month" when my emotions are flaring, but this has been happening for quite sometime.  I have no motivation to do anything, I don't feel like helping around the house, I don't feel like working, I don't want to do my school work, I don't want to help make dinner, I don't feel like doing my devotions and list goes on.  I used to be the girl who would get up at 6:30 in the morning, do school and go for a run.  I felt so good!  I keep asking myself "what happened?" and "wheres the joy?"  I feel as if over the past few years I have become so lazy and self centered.  I can't stop thinking about the things that I want to do, and the issues that I have.  Everyday is a constant battle between my flesh and mind.  I want to do one thing, but my body is saying no.  I feel as if something else is controlling me and I am just the puppet, no matter how hard I try to get up early or how hard I try to do my daily chores with a happy heart, I cannot seem to do it.  I am weary and weak and I know why...  I am not spending the time I need with God.  I am not getting up and fighting against my selfish desire to stay in bed one more hour.  All I want to do is break free, free from the chains that hold me far away from what I long most, to be with Him!  I want to sit at his feet and hear him speak to me.  I want to know that I can trust him with every aspect of my life, but most importantly I want to change.  I want to be the happy 15 year old who all she wanted to do was serve her family, and others who needed it.  I don't want to focus on me, but focus on the one who made me.

-Lauren

True Love

I know I already wrote on this subject but it was so vague and boring, so I thought I would write about it again.  So here we go...

Love.  It is something that we are in love with.  Most of us like the idea, we even love the fantasy of it, but I am finding myself thinking about it every day.  I ask myself, what is true love, and do we experience it even when we don’t know it? Do we see it in our everyday life and just not know it’s there?  Do we look for it and can’t seem to find it.  Do we long for that one person in our lives to hold us when we are sad, do we long for the words of a lover to entice our feelings?  

I can say that I have never had a person that I have fallen in love with, nor do I honestly think that anyone has ever been in love with me.  Yes, I have had crushes and I know what it feels like to have someone to be interested in, but I have never been in true love with someone.  Sometimes I think that we have these ideas that we make up in our head, the way we want love to look like, its perfect and we begin to think that it’s the way it’s really supposed to be.  I call this fantasy love.  Hollywood makes love look accidental, even foolish sometimes.  Young girls are beginning to think that all they need is a guy and their life is complete.  How are we supposed to have a healthy relationship with someone when we are between the ages of lets say 12 and 18?  How do we understand the meaning of true love?  How do we keep our hearts and minds pure until we get married?  

Well lets start from the beginning, after all its the very best place to start. (I know, I am cheesy)  For me, true love is someone dying to save another.  Jesus died to save all of mind kind from sin, no from Hell...  NO from God's wrath.  God sent his only son down to earth, born of a virgin, to save his people from his deathly wrath.  Jesus followed him till his death, he lived a sinless life.  The death wasn't just dying.  It was pain, suffering, and, agony.  This is what true love looks like to me.  It isn't all flowers and chocolates, its putting yourself before others, true greatness=true love.   

Even though I have my own personal fairytale about what I want my true love to be like, I have to remind myself that God is the one who has it all planned out.  You see, ever since I read "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" by Joshua Harris, my mind has been changed forever about dating, relationships, and even boys.  It really changed my heart as well.  I read the book when I was 12, before that I really wanted a boyfriend, yes...  At the age of 12.  Its crazy to think about now, that I wanted to have a boyfriend, I know now it was for all the wrong reasons too.  I just wanted to be cool and fit in but, I realized, that fitting in was not the most important thing.  I can honestly say that to this day I still struggle with wanting to be in a relationship.  I do!  But I think that we all will at one point.  Not all the time are we going to be content.  

When my friends ask why I don't date I simply tell them this:  I don't date because I want the man I marry to have ALL of my heart.  I don't want stand at the altar and say "here, you can have this half, but the other parts belong to Bob and Joe."  No, I want my heart to be free from all thoughts of past boyfriends, and past regrets.  I want to give him a clean and pure heart, that has no pieces missing.  Please don't feel that if you have had relationships in the past that I am condemning you because I am not, I am just trying to make you see my point of view.   

I realize that there are a lot of Christians out there who do date, and I do not judge you for it at all!  This is just how I want to live my life, and how I feel God is leading me.  I know someday my prince will come for me, and you know what...  He is going to have all of me, no pieces missing!  

Mark 12:9 "Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good."

Till next time,

-Lauren Eddy- 

True Greatness

Today the sermon was about true greatness.  When I hear the phrase I think about people who are hero's.  My pastor put it into a much greater perspective.  He spoke out of Mark 9: 33-37 "And they came to Capernaum.  And when he was in the house he asked them, "What were you discussing on the way?"   But they kept silent, for the on the way they had argues with one another about you was greatest.  And he sat down and called twelve.  And he said to them, "If anyone would be first, he must be last of all and servant of all."  And he took a child and put him in his arms, he said to them, "Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, and whoever receives me, receives not me but him who sent me."  This sermon spoke to me on a couple of different levels.  With going through everything that I have been lately one would be tempted to say "Lauren, you are doing such a great job."  Which is not something that I would like to hear...  Ok, well I think we all want to be praised, but let me explain.  Pastor Joe said "True greatness is not being first amongst others to be recognized, it is the willing to be last."  Even though it is not a bad thing to be great, but what we have to be aware of is how sin corrupts our ways.  Even some of us want to be called great without actually being great.  

So, what does true greatness look like and how can we apply it to our lives.  This is where I saw everything in my life happening and how I was able to look at the situation and ask myself this very question.  In submitting to my Lord and not putting myself out into the world by going to college, I have realized that I have a much better chance at becoming "great".  My hope for not going to college isn't so that I can be at home waiting for my prince to come and rescue me, no, rather that I would learn how to be a mom and a wife.  I want to better prepare for the future so when my prince does come to "save me" (i don't like the way that sounds, but it will have to do) I am prepared.  But, you see, that is not the only reason I am not going to college.  True greatness is putting yourself last.  This is what I want to learn.  I want to be able to help in other mothers homes as well, I want to take care of the children if the mother were to catch a cold, I want to clean their house if they were to go out of town and couldn't find time to do it themselves.  BUT I don't want to be noticed for it.  I want God to see the work of my servants heart and say "well done my child".  Why would we want earthly praise when God's praise is much, much more rewarding?  

Even though I have done a lot of things that were God glorifying, I cannot help but think that I need to be doing more.  Pastor Joe said it very well "Christ must increase and I must decrease."  I have to look at what I can be doing to glorify him and not others.  I don't want to live a selfish life of only serving myself.  Instead of what can Lauren do for Lauren I want to be what can Lauren do for others, more importantly Christ.  

-Lauren 

     

Whoa...

So it has been a while since I have written anything on this blog...  A little too long!  I know some of you are probably wondering whats going on in my crazy life right now.  Lately things have been so hard.  Making decisions is something I figured out I am not that good at.  I have had to make a couple of decisions that, well...  Will change my life.

Right around Christmas time I found myself getting very confused about my roll in life.  I felt as if I wasn't in the grasp of God but in the grasp of myself.  I wasn't happy, ever.  I was constantly complaining and grumbling.  I never wanted to be home, and when I would get the chance to leave I would.  I was living in a world of anger, sinful desires that I let take over, and selfishness.  Even though I knew that this is what I was doing, I didn't care, nor did I want to change.  It was all about me and what others could do for me.  When I would go to church on Sundays I never felt the joy of God, I felt...  Well, like I wasn't meant to be there.  I would feel bad for being in Gods presence because I knew all of the wrong I had done him.  Not too long after being sick of everything I surrendered.  God took a hold of me and gave me a reality check.  Let me give you a background story before I move on any further.

I had dreams of becoming a famous photographer and artist.  I wanted to travel the world and see things.  I didn't want to live at home, but yet I wanted to get married.  I had this goal in life that really wasn't possible for a young Christian woman to succeed in.  I didn't care what my parents or family thought, I knew what I wanted to be and the things I wanted to do.  I was going to finish getting my AA at FSCJ and then transfer to Flagler for a few years.  After that I was going to spend a semester in New York at the School of Visual Arts.  I had my application request form ready to be sent in the mail.  I was going to fulfill my dreams to any extent.  I think God had a different plan.  Lauren's plan wasn't God's plan.  My family became worried for me.  I started getting long talks and in many of them I was hard as stone, no one was going to change my mind.

Christmas came and I got a DVD called Return of the Daughters.  I was not happy to get such a present for Christmas.  I felt like everyone was trying to change me.  Little did I know God was the one trying to change me.  I watched the video and was very angry about it.  Daughters staying home, not working, to serve their family.  Never going to college.  How do these girls do it?  I came to the realization that we as women are supposed to stay home and serve in the home.  Even though I was against it FOR ME.

Later that week my Mema took me to lunch so I could explain to her what I was feeling.  "I am so confused and I feel like no one is listening to me, all they see is what they want for me not what I want for me."  She told me that maybe it wasn't them maybe it was me, I was being selfish.  Me, me, me its all about me.  After lunch I thought "Great, now she is against me too!"  I went home and cried.  No later than two days I was having a civil discussion with my parents about my plans.  They wanted to know everything.  They told me how they felt and for the first time I agreed with them.

I had big dreams that just weren't for me.  God had a better plan.  After prayer I decided that college wasn't the right decision to make.  Why would I want to spend the money anyways?  Why would I want to spend my time with people that don't even believe what I believe?  I was getting sucked into the world, and after that realization I was scared.  I had to make changes.  I threw away all my college informational books.  It was the hardest decision that I have ever made, but it had to be done.  For days after that I would just sit in my room and cry.  I had to fight for joy everyday.  Giving up something that you planned for two years is not the easiest thing to do.

I can honestly say that I feel a huge change.  I am happy!  I am focusing on what God wants me to do rather than what I want to do.  I don't know if you believe that miracles can happen, but one did to me.  God is softening my heart everyday.  The more I pray for peace the more he gives it to me.  I no longer have the desire to go to college, I am going to find workshops I can do for photography and acting.  I can still pursue my dream of traveling, but God holds that in his hands for the future.  Right now I just want to focus on him and strengthen my relationship with him and my family.  I see a big change in my life.  Without God stepping in I think I would be headed down a steep and dirty hill.

 I am reading a book called "How People Change" by: Paul David Tripp and Timothy S. Lane and in it, it says "God does not call us to a life of 'I have spiritually arrived' or 'I am just waiting for heaven'.  Rather, he calls us to a life of constant work, constant growth, and constant confession and repentance."

I keep praying for peace and joy.  I know that I am always going to have a life constant work, growth and repentance.  I am just so thankful that God opened my eyes to the sin I was living in.

-Lauren Eddy

The love I crave...

"All you need is love, all you need is love, love, love is all you need..."  These famous words came from a band (that most of us know and love), The Beatles.  These lyrics tell us that all we need is love, and everything will be ok.  If you have someone to hold you and love you than your fine, no problem.  Right?....  Wrong.  That is what the world wants us to believe.  God wants us to believe that all we need is him!  As long as we have Christ and we follow his words and live by his command than we will know true love.  We will start to feel love even when we don't see it, love that never fails, love that is everlasting!  Be encouraged friends, when you don't feel love turn to him...

-Lauren Eddy-